Miscarriage and child loss is not something people talk about in Wisconsin where I live. It is a taboo topic. Death itself is often not talked about even though we should talk about it. It is inevitable. I remember when my husband's Grandpa died and I was so amazed that he and his wife had bought several graveyard plots in the past for themselves and their children so that they could all “be together” in the graveyard. It left an impression of love for family, even in the hereafter, on me.
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People just don't know what to say or how to act around someone that has just suffered a miscarriage. Thankfully, someone that just went through one can find hope.
There is hope after miscarriage!
Soon after that funeral, my husband and I decided to get grave plots in the same graveyard. The cemetery had a “buy one, get one free, plus a free hotel stay at Wisconsin Dells” deal going on. I am not kidding! We were newlyweds at the time, however, and didn't have the foresight to buy grave plots for our children. I think I just believed, at the time, that if we had kids, they would live longer than us and could make their own decisions about where their remains would rest. In reality, I ended up having four children die (miscarriages) by my early 40s.
My first miscarriage, at age 30, was devastating to me. I had already had three healthy children (Marissa, Mattingly and Mercedes) vaginally and I expected that everything with this child would be fine too. Around eleven weeks gestation, I learned there was no heartbeat and that my child had died or had stopped growing at maybe around seven or eight weeks gestation. I waited another two weeks to try to have it on my own without medical intervention and I started to get an infection so the medical staff had to do a “D and C”. I did not want it done and even asked for another ultrasound beforehand just to be sure there wasn't a little heartbeat. Sadly, there was not, and I had the procedure and demanded to see the cut up body (they called the body “tissue”) to help me process grieving.
I came to Jesus after my first miscarriage
I was so broken inside. I sobbed so often. I did not know where to go for support or help. No one wanted to talk about it and I noticed people avoided me and made excuses to get away from me. Finally, I went to my Bible (although, at that time, I had not been reading it or understanding it) as I felt that only God had the answers for me. God allowed me, by His amazing grace, to open it to 2 Samuel where David had sinned with Bathsheba and their child was going to die. David was in grief and agony just like me. He couldn't eat, etc. When the child died, David had peace and knew that his child was with God and that he (David) would go to his child.
I realized then that my child was in heaven, but I didn't know for sure if I was going. I was at that moment convicted of my own sins and cried out to the Lord and confessed. I felt a peace come over me and when I opened my Bible again, God allowed it, by His love and grace to open to the book of 1 John. I realized that Jesus took my sin with him and suffered for me on the cross and that I was forgiven and that I too could now go to heaven because of what He did for me. I was then filled with peace and hope. I started reading my Bible and learned so much (and am still learning). I don't feel this is a great way to read your Bible, I just really believe that God allowed, for that moment in time, to show me those things because it was a very big book to me as a new reader and I couldn't find it on my own. He knew I was seeking Him with all my heart and He allowed me to find Him in that way. I was baptized and became a member of a Bible based Evangelical church in early 2005.
I went through another miscarriage that same year, a few months after I had turned 31. It was at the eleventh week again, but this time I delivered naturally in my home. This time my grieving was different, I had peace and hope even though I had no earthly support. I knew that Jesus loved me and that my child was in heaven with his/her brother or sister (it was too early to tell) and that I would be there someday too for eternity, which is a lot longer than I will be here on this earth! I also realized that my husband and children were grieving and that it wasn't all about me and that they needed comfort and to be reassured of my love for them.
Maris – Rainbow baby boy born October of 2005
I became pregnant just three months later and this child was born when I was 32 and lived despite all odds. I passed kidney stones during the pregnancy and I developed PPCM – pregnancy induced heart failure and my uterine sac was white with hardly any blood getting to it when he was delivered C-section with me being under anesthesia. I am very thankful he gets to be here with me. I have heard some people say he is a double rainbow baby because he was born after two miscarriages.
PPCM is very rare, so they don't talk about it in the pregnancy books. I don't want you to be concerned that you will ever have it. I really believe that it was a testing of my faith as a new believer.
I believe that Jesus healed me
My Breast Milk Returned
The Second Vasectomy
The Desire to Have Another Child
My Husband Has a Reversal
Miranda – baby girl born January of 2011
After two vasectomies and a reversal, I became pregnant again despite some medical staff telling me this was not a good idea with my past heart problems. I gave them the verse God gave me, Psalm 118:17 “I shall not die, but live and declare the works of the Lord.” (Which is what I am doing now by telling you this testimony). I think they thought I was crazy and still performed two expensive echo-cardiograms, which were normal. I am not saying this is the right decision for you, you need to see what God wants you to do, but God strengthened my faith and I felt peace in this decision.
The baby was due in the third week of February, but at the end of January, I couldn't feel the baby kick and knew something was wrong. I had an emergency C-section, which I was awake for. I had a baby girl. She had a little trouble and had to be in the NICU about an hour away from our home for about a week because she had bled into me through the placenta. After a week, she was a normal, healthy baby. What a blessing to have a healthy child at age 37 despite all those odds. I I don't deserve a thing. I am amazed at how God loves me and blesses me. I say/do/think dumb things and apologize, so much to learn. I feel like I did nothing to receive any of the amazing blessings God has given me. I don't deserve anything, yet He is so good to me.
Mason – baby born born vaginally after 2 C-sections in a row September of 2012
Within a year, I became pregnant. I did have gestational diabetes for this pregnancy and had to test my blood often and couldn't control it with diet and had to give myself shots of insulin. But I am so thankful that he was born around 7 pounds weight, which is normal, and I was able to have him vaginally after two C-sections in a row. The labor did take 26 hours though, my longest ever, for some reason. But it was so worth it! I had just turned 39 years old within a month before having him.
Then, at age 41, I had a miscarriage around eleven weeks again. I felt sad for this loss, but yet comforted and at peace at the same time. I am an artist and art just poured out of me at that time and I painted an acrylic of a newborn baby that I dedicated to all of my babies in heaven. It hangs on my wall with my other baby photos. I did much better to comfort my other family members right away this time.
I had another miscarriage, at age 42, the very next June at around eleven weeks. I wondered if I was too old, but reminded myself that Sarah in the Bible was not too old and that with God all things are possible for those who believe and I just prayed and hoped that he would bless me with another child I could enjoy on this earth, if that was His will for me.
Mitchell – Double Rainbow baby born September of 2016
God did bless me and I became pregnant again in about six months and this child lived despite my age (43 at his birth) and past history, etc. I did have to pass some kidney stones while I was pregnant. I also had gestational diabetes, but was able to control it with diet this time. Or so my doctor and I had thought. A sweet baby boy, Mitchell, was born vaginally. He weighed over 9 pounds.
Megan – Another C-section born March of 2019
At age 45, God, in his amazing mercy and love blessed me with a sweet baby girl. I am still in awe. I was told that I was the oldest pregnant patient at our hospital and clinic by one of the workers there. My “advanced maternal age” was talked about at many of my appointments. I had bought and moved into a new house just 4 days before having her! I did have gestational diabetes and was able to control it with diet up until just a few weeks before having her, then I had to take some insulin. I went in with painful kidney stones and from that pain my blood pressure was very high, which was concerning. After two VBACs, I had to have a C-section. Yet I felt peace throughout and Megan was healthy and weighed a little over 7 pounds.
I am so thankful for all of my children, including those in heaven.
A little (short to read, not many pages) book I really enjoyed after miscarriages and would give to friends and relatives who had miscarriages after my first one is, I'll Hold You In Heaven by Jack Hayford. It gives verses from the Bible and is very encouraging. Another great book for a longer read is, Safe In The Arms Of Jesus by Robert P. Lightner.
Life goes on and with Jesus there is hope after a miscarriage, even if you are of “advanced maternal age.”
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