Miscarriage and child loss is not something people talk about in Wisconsin where I live. It is a taboo topic. Death itself is often not talked about even though we should talk about it. It is inevitable. I remember when my husband's Grandpa died and I was so amazed that he and his wife had bought several graveyard plots in the past for themselves and their children so that they could all “be together” in the graveyard. It left an impression of love for family, even in the hereafter, on me.
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[ctt template=”4″ link=”dQh6b” via=”yes” ]People just don't know what to say or how to act around someone that has just suffered a miscarriage. Thankfully, someone that just went through one can find hope.[/ctt]
There is hope after miscarriage!
Soon after that funeral, my husband and I decided to get grave plots in the same graveyard. The cemetery had a “buy one, get one free, plus a free hotel stay at Wisconsin Dells” deal going on. I am not kidding! We were newlyweds at the time, however, and didn't have the foresight to buy grave plots for our children. I think I just believed, at the time, that if we had kids, they would live longer than us and could make their own decisions about where their remains would rest. In reality, I ended up having four children die (miscarriages) by my early 40s.
My first miscarriage was devastating to me. I had already had three healthy children (Marissa, Mattingly and Mercedes) vaginally and I expected that everything with this child would be fine too. Around eleven weeks gestation, I learned there was no heartbeat and that my child had died or had stopped growing at maybe around seven or eight weeks gestation. I waited another two weeks to try to have it on my own without medical intervention and I started to get an infection so the medical staff had to do a “D and C”. I did not want it done and even asked for another ultrasound beforehand just to be sure there wasn't a little heartbeat. Sadly, there was not, and I had the procedure and demanded to see the cut up body (they called the body “tissue”) to help me process grieving.
I was so broken inside. I sobbed so often. I did not know where to go for support or help. No one wanted to talk about it and I noticed people avoided me and made excuses to get away from me. Finally, I went to my Bible (although, at that time, I had not been reading it or understanding it) as I felt that only God had the answers for me. God allowed me, by His amazing grace, to open it to 2 Samuel where David had sinned with Bathsheba and their child was going to die. David was in grief and agony just like me. He couldn't eat, etc. When the child died, David had peace and knew that his child was with God and that he (David) would go to his child. I realized then that my child was in heaven, but I didn't know for sure if I was going. I was at that moment convicted of my own sins and cried out to the Lord and confessed. I felt a peace come over me and when I opened my Bible again, God allowed it, by His love and grace to open to the book of 1 John. I realized that Jesus took my sin with him and suffered for me on the cross and that I was forgiven and that I too could now go to heaven because of what He did for me. I was then filled with peace and hope. I started reading my Bible and learned so much (and am still learning). I don't feel this is a great way to read your Bible, I just really believe that God allowed, for that moment in time, to show me those things because it was a very big book to me as a new reader and I couldn't find it on my own. He knew I was seeking Him with all my heart and allowed me to find Him.
I went through another miscarriage that same year. It was at the eleventh week again, but this time I delivered naturally in my home. This time my grieving was different, I had peace and hope even though I had no earthly support. I knew that Jesus loved me and that my child was in heaven with his/her brother or sister (it was too early to tell) and that I would be there someday too for eternity, which is a lot longer than I will be here on this earth! I also realized that my husband and children were grieving and that it wasn't all about me and that they needed comfort and to be reassured of my love for them.
Maris – Rainbow baby boy born October of 2005
I became pregnant just three months later and this child lived despite all odds. I passed kidney stones during the pregnancy and I developed PPCM – pregnancy induced heart failure and my uterine sac was white with hardly any blood getting to it when he was delivered C-section with me being under anesthesia. I am very thankful he gets to be here with me. I have heard some people say it is a double rainbow baby because it was born after two miscarriages.
Miranda – baby girl born after PPCM, 2 vasectomies and a reversal January of 2011
After my heart was healed, the doctor convinced my husband to have a vasectomy. He did and when he took a sample in, found that it was not effective. The hospital said his 2nd one was free and that he should do it, even though God had completely healed my heart by then. That one worked. I had a desire for more children, but felt that I should take this concern to the Lord each time, rather than bother my husband with it. A few times, he caught me in the middle of the night crying with tears to the Lord and my Bible in my lap and he asked me what was wrong and I told him how I wanted another child (but I already knew he didn't want to adopt and that he had fear of losing me) and that I still loved him and respected his decision, I was just taking it to the Lord.
Him catching me did not change his position. About a year later, I didn't know how to pray anymore. I had already prayed the desire would be taken away because, in my eyes, there was nothing I could do about it. Yet, one night when he was traveling for work, the desire came over me strong and I was again crying out to the Lord in tears and I remembered the Holy Spirit prays for us to God in moans and groans that we do not understand and I asked Him to pray on my behalf because He knows what I want and what God wants for me. I just laid there in my bed and waited, letting Him do that for me and I felt a peace come over me, so I figured He must be done praying. This is just my interpretation of what happened, please don't judge, etc.
Not long after, and my husband had not asked about my desire for more children in a long time, my husband came to me and said he found a doctor that does reversals as a ministry and he was going to travel there alone and pay the money and have a reversal! God had changed his fear to faith!
After two vasectomies and a reversal later, I became pregnant again despite some medical staff telling me this was not a good idea with my past heart problems. I gave them the verse God gave me, Psalm 118:17 “I shall not die, but live and declare the works of the Lord.” (Which is what I am doing now by telling you this testimony). They thought I was crazy and still performed two expensive echo-cardiograms, which were normal. I am not saying this is the right decision for you, you need to see what God wants you to do, but God strengthened my faith and I felt peace in this decision. I couldn't feel the baby kick and knew something was wrong. I had an emergency C-section, which I was awake for. I had a baby girl. She had a little trouble and had to be in the NICU about an hour away from our home for about a week because she had bled into me through the placenta. After a week, she was a normal, healthy baby. What a blessing to have a healthy child despite all those odds. I did nothing to receive any of the blessings God has given me. I don't deserve anything, yet He is so good to me.
Mason – baby born born vaginally after 2 C-sections in a row September of 2012
Within a year, I became pregnant. I did have gestational diabetes for this pregnancy and had to test my blood often and couldn't control it with diet and had to give myself shots of insulin. But I am so thankful that he was born around 7 pounds weight, which is normal, and I was able to have him vaginally after two C-sections in a row. The labor did take 26 hours though, my longest ever, for some reason. But it was so worth it!
Then, I had a miscarriage around eleven weeks again. I felt sad for this loss, but yet comforted and at peace at the same time. I am an artist and art just poured out of me at that time and I painted an acrylic of a newborn baby that I dedicated to all of my babies in heaven. It hangs on my wall with my other baby photos. I did much better to comfort my family members right away this time.
I had another miscarriage the very next June, again at around eleven weeks. I wondered if I was too old, but reminded myself that Sarah in the Bible was not too old and that with God all things are possible for those who believe and I just prayed and hoped that he would bless me with a child I could enjoy on this earth if that was His will for me.
Mitchell – Double Rainbow baby born September of 2016
God did bless me and I became pregnant again in about six months and this child lived despite my age (43 at his birth) and past history, etc. I did have to pass some kidney stones while I was pregnant. I also had gestational diabetes, but was able to control it with diet. Or so my doctor and I thought. A sweet baby boy, Mitchell, was born over 9 pounds.
Megan – Another C-section born March of 2019
At age 45, God, in his amazing mercy and love blessed me with a sweet baby girl. I am still in awe. I was told that I was the oldest pregnant patient at our hospital and clinic by one of the workers there. My “advanced maternal age” was talked about at many of my appointments. I had bought and moved into a new house just 4 days before having her! I went in with painful kidney stones and from that pain my blood pressure was very high, which was concerning. After two VBACs, I had to have a C-section. Yet I felt peace throughout and Megan was healthy and weighed a little over 7 pounds.
I am so thankful for all of my children, including those in heaven.
A little (short to read, not many pages) book I really enjoyed after miscarriages and would give to friends and relatives who had miscarriages after my first one is, I'll Hold You In Heaven by Jack Hayford. It gives verses from the Bible and is very encouraging. Another great book for a longer read is, Safe In The Arms Of Jesus by Robert P. Lightner.
Life goes on and with Jesus there is hope after a miscarriage, even if you are of “advanced maternal age”.
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