Miscarriage and child loss is not something people talk about in Wisconsin where I live. It is a taboo topic. Death itself is often not talked about even though we should talk about it. It is inevitable. I remember when my husband’s Grandpa died and I was so amazed that he and his wife had bought several graveyard plots in the past for themselves and their children so that they could all “be together” in the graveyard. It left an impression of love for family, even in the hereafter, on me. Soon after, my husband and I decided to get grave plots in the same graveyard. The cemetery had a “buy one, get one free, plus a free hotel stay at Wisconsin Dells” deal going on. I am not kidding!
We were newlyweds and didn’t have the foresight to buy grave plots for our children. I think I just believed, at the time, that if we had kids, they would live longer than us and could make their own decisions about where their remains would rest. In reality, I ended up having four children die by my early 40s.
My first miscarriage was devastating to me. I had already had three healthy children vaginally and I expected that everything with this child would be fine too. Around eleven weeks gestation, I learned there was no heartbeat and that my child had died or had stopped growing at maybe around seven or eight weeks gestation. I waited another two weeks to try to have it on my own without medical intervention and I started to get an infection so the medical staff had to do a “D and C”. I did not want it done and even asked for another ultrasound beforehand just to be sure there wasn’t a little heartbeat. Sadly, there was not, and I had the procedure and demanded to see the cut up body to help me process grieving.
I was so broken inside. I sobbed so often. I did not know where to go for support or help. No one wanted to talk about it and I noticed people avoided me and made excuses to get away from me. Finally, I went to my Bible (although, at that time, I had not been reading it or understanding it) as I felt that only God had the answers for me. God allowed me, by His amazing grace, to open it to 2 Samuel where David had sinned with Bathsheba and their child was going to die. David was in grief and agony just like me. He couldn’t eat, etc. When the child died, David had peace and knew that his child was with God and that he would go to his child. I realized then that my child was in heaven, but I didn’t know for sure if I was going. I was at that moment convicted of my own sins and cried out to the Lord and confessed. I felt a peace come over me and when I opened my Bible again, God allowed it, by His love and grace to open to the book of 1 John. I realized that Jesus took my sin with him and suffered for me on the cross and that I was forgiven and that I too could now go to heaven because of what He did for me. I was then filled with peace and hope. I started reading my Bible and learned so much (and am still learning). I don’t feel this is a great way to read your Bible, I just really believe that God allowed, for that moment in time, to show me those things because it was a very big book to me as a new reader and I couldn’t find it on my own. He knew I was seeking Him with all my heart and allowed me to find Him.
I went through another miscarriage that same year. It was at the eleventh week again, but this time I delivered naturally in my home. This time my grieving was different, I had peace and hope even though I had no earthly support. I knew that Jesus loved me and that my child was in heaven with his/her brother or sister (it was too early to tell) and that I would be there someday too for eternity, which is a lot longer than I will be here on this earth! I also realized that my husband and children were grieving and that it wasn’t all about me and that they needed comfort and to be reassured of my love for them.
I became pregnant just three months later and this child lived despite all odds (I developed PPCM – pregnancy induced heart failure and my uterine sac was white with hardly any blood getting to it when he was delivered C-section), I am very thankful he gets to be here with me. After my heart was healed, two vasectomies and a reversal later, I became pregnant again and had a healthy baby girl and within a year became pregnant and had a healthy baby boy.
Then, I had a miscarriage around eleven weeks again and the baby died in June. I felt sad for this loss, but yet comforted and at peace at the same time. I am an artist and art just poured out of me at that time and I painted an acrylic of a newborn baby that I dedicated to all of my babies in heaven. It hangs on my wall with my other baby photos. I did much better to comfort my family members right away this time. I had another miscarriage the very next June, again at around eleven weeks. I wondered if I was too old, but reminded myself that Sarah in the Bible was not too old and that with God all things are possible for those who believe and prayed and hoped.
God blessed me and I became pregnant again in about six months and this child lived despite my age (43 at his birth) and past history, etc. I am so thankful for all of my children, including those in heaven. A little (short to read, not many pages) book I really enjoyed after miscarriages and would give to friends and relatives who had miscarriages after my first one is, I’ll Hold You In Heaven by Jack Hayford. It gives verses from the Bible and is very encouraging. Another great book for a longer read is, Safe In The Arms Of Jesus by Robert P. Lightner. Life goes on and with Jesus there is hope after a miscarriage.
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