When Forgiveness Is Hard

I have had a time when forgiveness was extremely hard in my life and am now at a point that I have forgiven, and am able to feel love for my previous enemy, and I was able to live life around that difficult person with healthy boundaries. Here is my story.

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First, you need to know that this was entirely a work of God and that I am a believer in Jesus Christ as my LORD and Savior. This happened for me at age 30. You can read my faith story here. It is impossible to truly forgive and love without knowing God, who is love.

My Backstory

My Dad was an alcoholic as far back as I can remember. It was like walking on broken glass, he was unpredictable and you didn't know what he would do when he was drunk. My mother tried to leave him once. She thought he had passed out and would sleep until morning.

She packed us three kids and some bags of clothes in the car with me in the front seat next to her and my brothers in the backseat. We lived in the country and didn't have the outside light on. It was very dark.

As she was backing out, she didn't know my Dad was there next to the car. He smashed an ax into the glass windshield in front of her. She didn't get hurt, but it was very scary and he was extremely abusive that night and then she never tried to leave again. We tried to avoid setting him off, but it felt like constant stress.

When I moved out, I would still see him occasionally because I wanted to see my mom and brothers. I would go right back into the feelings of anxiety, stress and fear – even if there were times that he was sober and fine to deal with. I could not forgive.

After My Salvation

After I truly believed, I read my Bible seemingly all the time because – through the help of the Holy Spirit – I could finally understand it. I realized that I needed to love my enemy and forgive. This was God's command to me. And how could I not? After all Jesus went through, He died on the cross for my sins. But it was not easy.

Praying For My Enemy

In my times of talking to God, I would sometimes pray that God would finish my Dad off and send him to hell. But my spirit didn't feel right about that. I talked to my Pastor and he suggested I pray FOR my Dad. That he be saved, instead. And to pray for him in general.

I followed my Pastor's advice, but it was really hard. It's like I didn't want to. I made myself do it anyway. The words came out with no feeling of love in my heart. I continued to do this for seemingly a long time, maybe weeks or a few months.

During this time of trying to forgive, I prayed for God's help and wisdom of how to overcome and to truly forgive and love my Dad.

Frisking My Thoughts

Not long after praying for God to help me, I found a verse in my own daily Bible reading time. It seemed like I was being spiritually attacked in my thought life. Memories of bad times with my Dad or irrational fear thoughts would enter my mind. This verse spoke to me. I felt like if I could sort of have like a gate around my thought life and only let the right kind of thoughts in – that my life would be better.

So I started frisking my thoughts with that verse, which was Philippians 4:8. Bad thoughts were not allowed in. I asked myself these questions from the verse, is this thought…

• true
• noble
• just
• pure
• lovely
• of good report
• of virtue
• praiseworthy

If not, I would tell myself, “I choose to forgive” and no longer entertain that thought. Sometimes, I would have to distract myself by reading my Bible until the feelings that came with the thought would go away.

Of course, there were times that I was hungry or tired or weak, when I would not do so well and the thoughts would get to me. But I cried out to the LORD in prayer and sometimes tears and kept at it and had more successes than not.

God Is Faithful and Good

God is so good. I don't exactly know when it happened. I only know that God took this unforgiveness and unlovingness and suffering from me and replaced it with love. I eventually started to feel love for my Dad and prayed more often for him and really meant it when I wanted him to believe in Jesus. Not only that, I started telling him that I wanted him to believe in Jesus and gave him a Bible and shared my testimony with him.

We Don't Need To Fear

It was very surprising to me when my Dad would call or I would see him unexpectedly and I didn't have the old anxiety/stress and yucky feelings. It was like he didn't have any kind of hold on me anymore. He really didn't in the first place. My unforgiveness and fear is what really had the hold on me.

Fear can really get to us, if we let it. I think that's why God has some form of “do not fear” mentioned 366 times in the Bible. We need one for every day of the year, including the leap year!

The Freedom of Living Fearlessly

When the fear was gone, I could easily became the hands and feet of Jesus and serve my Dad. My mother died of a heart attack and he remarried, but he was still drinking and not nice to his new wife. He became unhealthy and was in the hospital several days and she wouldn't come to see him. I would take time away from my large family and go sit with him. He would say mean things to me. But God allowed me to feel peace and love and I continued to serve him. I remember him saying to me one time, “I don't want any Jesus talk today.” Yet other times, he allowed me to read from the Psalms to him.

Please note that all of my seeing him and serving him was done with healthy boundaries. If you don't know what I mean about that, I highly recommend that you read the book Boundaries by John Townsend, as I did. It was helpful to me.

It Helps to Be Thankful

Another thing I was doing during this healing time was journaling what I was praying for and what I was thankful for. I would write these down in a Gratitude and Prayer Journal.

The End Of The Story

Well, my Dad did end up dying of a heart attack in 2023. I didn't hear him accept Jesus as his LORD before he died. I just don't know what his last thoughts were. I may be surprised and he may be in heaven and I may have had a tiny part of helping with that.

I cried and grieved over my mother's death quite a lot. She died before I was a true believer. I don't know why, but I didn't grieve like that with my Dad's death. It's like I know inside, I will either see him in the afterlife, or I won't and I know I don't have any power over that. God is in control and I fully trust in Him.

Your Journey With Forgiveness

I know that your journey with forgiveness may look entirely different for you and that is completely okay. It may take you less time or longer depending on how deep your “internal scars” are. I just wanted to finally share my story in case someone else is going through the same thing as a Christian and needs encouragement and to hear that a person can overcome with God's help. Just keep at it, my friend. Don't give up.

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